Happy Alone
by Cherished Dreams
Summary: I loved him then, you know. Still do.


**Happy Alone  
By** Cherished Dreams

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.

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Three weeks ago, I could've sworn (even though it'd only be to Ginny and myself) that this Christmas I would be have someone special to spend it with (besides my best friends and my family). I, Hermione Granger, would have my own special someone to share it with. Some who I could look forward to worrying over what kind of gift I could give him; someone who's charming smile and warm hug would make my knees go weak; who I could spend this special occasion with for the very first time in my life. 

I liked him since the beginning term. It was different and compulsive, and at first it made me shudder with guilt. After all, in Ron's words, I would be "fraternizing with the enemy" and I just knew that if the boys ever found out these feelings of mine, they wouldn't be able to forgive me. And I suppose, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

It just crept up to me and knocked my life out of balance. I started to notice the way he held himself in class, they way he looked at people when he talked, the people he was in constant contact with. Then after I realized what kind of feelings I had for him, I started to notice just how blue/gray his eyes were, the way he held his quill – heck, I even memorized what classes he had and what times he visited the library.

But what was I to do? I mean, I am a human being, a budding teenage girl with hormones. It wasn't as if I could just turn off my feelings for him. I knew from experience. It's not easy for me to get over and just forget.

If only… If only he hadn't done the same thing. I mean – notice me. It's not as if I'm attractive or even as social as he was. I didn't consider myself anymore special than the other students at Hogwarts. And, there WERE plenty of other girls he could've easily gone for.

But no, it was **me** – plain ol' Hermione Granger that he had fallen for.

And it was him – Draco Malfoy who was the object of my affection.

I think it was our subjects and friends that brought us together (not that Harry or Ron match made him for me). We saw each other, as in not officially. But the hugs, laughs and smiles, the moments we had with each other, made it clear to me that it was _real_. Our feelings for each other were real, and not a figment of my imagination.

I felt unrestrained. Adrenalin always rushed through my veins at the thought of us together. Its still does. I think it was the thought that I could be happy with someone, people thought I could never go for or even feel this way for that made me feel that way. But somehow, coincidentally that same thought, made me doubt what we had.

It was hard for me, and I could tell it was hard for him too, having to hide _us_. I mean, there were times I just wanted to hand his hand or hug him, or cry at his shoulder in public. But I couldn't, and whatever he wanted to say or show, he couldn't either.

Two weeks ago, I could've sworn that whatever glow I had the week before had not been there before, to anyone who asked what was wrong with me. I couldn't very well say that my first real heartbreak was with a boy that I shouldn't and couldn't have been with.

I had focused too much on the cons and not on the pros, and it scared me. And thinking it was the right thing to do, I told him.

Inside, I felt myself go insane at the thought that there would be no more us. No more talks, no nothing. That everything between us would go back to what there was before – the insults and all.

But there was. But somehow, whenever we talked there was always something missing, and I thought I would go crazy if he didn't talk to me, but instead, I drove myself crazy trying to be friends with him. It was better than the nothing I worried myself with though.

A week ago, if anyone knew what had happened and how my heart broke and asked me if I was alright again, I would've and still can, say that I was; I am. At first it was hard to act the same as before, but then it became easier. I don't know why. Maybe it was because my friends kept me occupied for long enough periods of time, which kept my mind off him us and everything.

But even though my mind was occupied most of the time, when it wasn't, it swayed back to us. Maybe it was my mind hoping that there could be another chance for an us again, but I noticed little things that I only saw when there was an us; like the little smiles he gave me across the hall. Thinking about those things, still seeing them, made me realize that even though we're not together, there was something between us and for a while longer our feelings will still remain the same. And that's enough for me for now.

Its Christmas Eve and here I am in the common room with my two best friends playing a game of wizards' chess, as I think about the last two months' events. Whatever we had within those two months are and will always be special to me.

I loved him you know.

_Still do_.

Too bad I realized it too late. Maybe then I wouldn't have focused so much on my doubts and the faults our relationship had, and just went and be myself. Be happy for myself.

And funny, how I imagined myself with him this Christmas and how I thought this would be our very first Christmas together. Coz it isn't, and I'm not with him but with my two best friends, who even though don't know what happened can still tell when there's something up with me, and somehow that's enough for me.

So even though I'm not with him, I'm still happy.

And I know, I'll be happy alone for a while yet.

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**A/N:** Happy Christmas everyone! 


End file.
